Gene Simmons Family Jewels Recap: Gene Confronts His Mortality and Learns What a Tuxedo Is

The two separate episodes of 'Gene Simmons Family Jewels' that aired tonight (Oct. 11) featured very different themes, yet shared the same lame-ass staged sitcom-style schtick and "comedic" approach.

In the first, a sudden fainting spell from Gene sends his fiancee Shannon Tweed into a sudden health food and emergency preparedness movement. She bans Oreos and processed food from the house, sets up a garden in the back yard and enrolls the couple in CPR classes. Of course, later in the episode, when Gene seems on the verge of another fainting spell, Tweed ignores the warning signs completely and instead angrily insists that he pay attention to their wedding planning.

For his part, Simmons pretends to not understand any concept of nutrition whatsoever. Even more than a sitcom, you know what 'Family Jewels' is like? A children's show. If you were going to show your five year old niece some educational program starring an animated frog in order to teach them about fruits and vegetables, odds are the conversation would be more sophisticated than this.

This is not reality, people -- this is poorly thought-out sitcom fare performed by non-actors. Gene seems to have adopted Ozzy Osbourne's befuddled pose from his (unfortunately) ground-breaking show, and the rest of the cast follows along all too willingly. A shift to hippie-shop deodorant sets the stage for a completely unbelievable and unfunny segment where Tweed's body order leads an entire health club to empty out. This all winds up with Shannon desperately digging through the trash for her beloved Lady Speed Stick.

During the second episode, any reference to this new health kick is completely washed away, just as Bart and Homer Simpson's trip to the moon or Kenny from South Park's latest death will be ignored on their shows the following week. Instead, we're in full wedding planning mode, and step one is to teach Gene how weddings work.

Apparently this multi-millionaire, who owns probably dozens of companies and has been among the biggest music stars in the world for four decades now, is completely at a loss when it comes to what one should wear at a wedding, or who to invite. I refuse to believe my childhood musical hero is this dumb or hasn't been exposed to one of these very common events before.

There's more convoluted drama and hi-jinks to follow, as Gene invites friends and family to serve in his wedding party, tries on yellow and red tuxedos with his son, and turns a trip to set up their wedding registry (wait, we thought they didn't want gifts??) into a price-gun shootout.

But it's Shannon who caused the real trouble, reluctantly allowing her sister Tracy to serve as her wedding planner, only to hire a real one when Tracy suggests admittedly terrible venues such as car shows and rock clubs for the big event. Of course, the way she tells her own flesh and blood about this is to invite her to coffee without telling her the professional would also be there. If it's real, it's a totally uncool move, and if it's staged, then isn't that against the point of the show?

You will not find a bigger fan of Gene Simmons' music than this author, and it's impossible to believe he's even 5% as dumb as he's pretending to be here, but who wants to see their hero play a sap?